I was in Iceland the other day, queuing up ready to buy some creamed cheese and soy milk whilst considering my fake vegan status: should I pretend to be in one state of veganism or the other and explain that either the milk or the cheese was for a ‘friend’ if the checkout assistant (probably called Jacqueline, or at least this is now her name as dictated by my imagination) should throw me an enquiring glance? I was caught between pretending to be ‘the vegan one’ or ‘the dairy-eating but-still-quite-kind-when-it-comes-to-running-errands-anyway’ friend, and also a little bit just wondering if Jacqueline would care about any of this at all. Probably not, is my guess.
It was around this point that I noticed a special deal on Creme Eggs, Mini Eggs and other egg shaped confectionary, the kind which usually appear on the shelves just before Easter. I admit for a second or two I did wonder how many weeks or months my internal vegan debate had being going on for, but no – I’m pretty certain it’s still January and there are novelty chocolate eggs for sale.
This isn’t going to turn into some Mummy Barbrawl type of Christian debate about ‘taking the Christ out of Christmas’ or ‘the commercialisation of the resurrection’, but a concerned thought for the poultry out there; they’ve only just survived the Christmas genocide – miserably picking through the feathers and straw in the now silent pens of their late loved ones – but now they’re being pressured into thinking about procreating and to get into the spirit of Spring. This pressure isn’t restricted to chickens, oh no, any observant single man or woman able to make the connection between eggs and fertility will be feeling the solitary strain. I thought we had until at least mid-February, but after the joys of spending Christmas alone we don’t even have the month of January to lick our slightly plumper wounds without being reminded we should be coupled up, cooing sweet nothings and sharing jumbo packs of pastel coloured cutey wootey tiny likkle eggy weggs. My first reaction was to head down to the local tattoo parlour and demand ‘do not disturb’ in fancy italics across my ovaries, but remembering my New Year’s resolution – to stop reacting wildly and violently to the standards I imagine society trying to inflict upon me – I thought I’d try considering the whole ‘couple’ thing.
My first attempt wasn’t very successful as I realised the boy in charge of packing the carrier bags in Iceland was not for wooing, but I have high hopes for my second method of attack on the male half of the species: parship.com. A free personality test? Brilliant: free therapy! The chance to meet somebody physically and emotionally engineered to be an adequate match to myself? Well, that’s just a bonus!
Halfway through the personality test (which I soon realised was being turned into a dating profile, those cheeky monkeys!) I realised I’ve been asking all the wrong kind of questions throughout my dating career: I’ve been wasting time asking about preferences in culture, entertainment, drinking establishments, etc Apparently the way to go is to ask how they’d prefer a room to be heated: would that be cold, cool, comfortable or warm? I also should have a pre-prepared flip chart of 3D shapes and ask them which shapes seem more appealing in their eyes. I’m sure this will be valuable in the comfortably heated future we’re going to have together in our spherical existence. Apart from realising the error of my ways (as in my lack of adequate clipboard action in date situations) I immediately notice a problem with this form of dating site: if they’re attracting new members like me with the promise of a personality test then they’re essentially going to amass the kind of vain creatures who set out to answer questions about themselves rather the kind of people who have an actual, genuine interest in other human beings. Unfortunately for my five possible matches (the closest of whom lives in London, is 19 years old and barely male) I only wanted somebody else to help me finally put an end to the dilema of my vegan status for me; the rest just seems a bit too much like hard work. To vegan or not to vegan; that is the question I really should have proposed to parsnip.com: maybe next time, eh.
January 27, 2009...12:23 pm
A fine Eggzample
Jump to Comments
